I wasnt going to post anything, but I am sitting here, alone, while everyone is asleep and have all these feelings I cannot seem to shake off.

Little B split her lip quite nicely today. All fun and games, spending the day out in the park. The day was perfect… then we headed off to swimming, in a bit of a rush, as we left a bit too late from the park. Get ready, put goggles on, hat. Wiggling. Need to pee. Rush to the bathroom with a little one grabbing at me and jumping in the sling unlike himself. Rush back out. Get her in class. The big one off to swim herself and a moment of peace. Nurse the Prince, who still seems unsettled. I realize I left the nappy in the car. Crap. I will check anyway. Poo. Look around, think. Grabbed the cotton pants near by and stuffed them in his cover instead. The dirty nappy went into an unused swimming cap. Yeah, fancy stuff.

Settle for some kiwi sharing with the now more relaxed little man and watch the girls.

What…why is she holding her mouth…rush over. Grab. Heart pounding. She is crying quietly. Blood. Shit! Shit! Shit! Frantic looking around I see the clean towel in our bag and grab it and press it on her lip, where I see the blood gushing. Press. Talk quietly “Its OK. Its OK. Its all right”. My heart is going to pump out of my chest. Shit! Now I have three kids, one bleeding, one holding on to me absolutely quiet and another one hovering trying to see and do something. I look quickly around…at the swimming teacher – she doesnt seem to be wanting to offer any help… I see my sling all sprawled on the floor, from the water to my seat, wet. No. I wont be getting any help from the people around me. I keep on talking softly and checking on the lip. Little B is still crying, trying to answer my questions in an attempt of evaluating the situation. I send Ms Fab to get some ice pack from the life guards. The blood is slowing and I have a good look at the damage. Pretty good, but not a gaping hole to her cavity or anything.  The “ice pack” constituted of ice stuffed in a rubber glove with tissue on top. I need to get out of there. The blood is stopped and I pack everything up, God forbid anyone help, and headed home.

We got her checked at a medical centre near by to make sure she didnt need stitches and had dinner, as much as we could really. We were all pretty shaken.

Then we noticed her upper lip is swallen. I had a look while putting the steri strips before bed and she has a hematoma up there. She must have hit on the edge of the pool with her lower lip, but the blow was actually to the inside of the upper lip and gum tissue. Thankfully no teeth are loose or anything, but the bruising is scary.

And everyone is in bed and my emotions just got all out of control. Something wrong with your kids is like nothing else. Nothing.

I just feel like crying typing this and thinking it over. I dont know why, or where are all these emotions coming from. I feel really shaken up and exhausted. I have anger at people’s lack of interest in kindness and in offering some assistance. I feel weak in not being able to make it all better. My heart is aching that my baby is hurt and still trying to be brave. I feel horrid, mortifying powerlessness  against the powers of one second to be able to change our life forever.  And I feel comfort that we have taken steps to spend our times with each other, not in pursuit of meaningless rewards for the unknown future.

Because tomorrow all could be gone. We only have  now.

And its that simple.