Picture from phone

When its time for bed, I take him in and we cuddle on the bed until he falls asleep. This can take anything from just a few minutes – he falls asleep while nursing; to an hour or more – we goof off or he is just not sleepy enough.

Well, tonight was one of those last ones. It was OH SO FUN!

These days our routine goes something like this – he kisses everyone good night and we enter the bedroom. He then insists on switching on the monitor (so later I can hear him when he wakes up), then we play this game of him in my arms and trying to turn off the lights, but I move him away right before he reaches the switch. He laughs like nuts at that one. After its dark, we go to the bed and I put him in, after which he starts to make excited noises “Ah, ah, ah!” and gets into position, ready to take a feed. I lay down, he latches on and settles. I pull his little blanket over him and snuggle him in. He searches for the ties on my pants to pull on for some reason.

Then, tonight, he started to make low, grunting noise. I replied with the same. We play this game from time to time, so its nothing new. He grunts, I grunt. He squeals, I do the same and all without him letting go of my breast or me stopping smelling his fine little hair and smiling.

After a bit I saw he is not tired yet and unlatched him. Then he turned over and grabbed my hand and started to play with it. Pointed at the window whenever he heard a car/truck/train and we chatted about it. I asked him where his various body parts are and he dutifully showed me. He was pointing at my nose and hair, so I answered as asked. He started to play with my hair and cuddled into me. I started noisily to smell under his chin and he laughed and wanted more. So we spent some time tickling and laughing. Then he was signing animals and we made some grunts, moos and whatnots. At one point I thought he was signing bunny, but he kept on doing it, until I realized that he was signing ‘water’. In the dark the two look pretty similar. Water? He has never asked for this before. Water? Aaa! Water? Aaaah! I really didnt feel like taking him out into the house and getting him too excited, so I thought its worth trying to keep him in the bed.

“Ok, mama will go get water. Wait here” I said while going up and leaving the room “Wait here”.

And I go and fill a water bottle and walk back fully expecting him to be walking back in the hallway, but not. I get in the bedroom and hear him “A! A! A!”, sitting up in the bed, waiting for me. I could have eaten him right there and then, cute in his pink jammy. Instead I offered my bounty and he had a few sips and pointed to where the bottle should go. I put it there.

Then we lay down again. In the dark with just a bit of light from the monitor’s indicator.

He wants to nurse, so we are back in our position. He is in a silly mood and lets go of my breast  just enough to utter:

“Goidigoo”

I burst out laughing and reply

“Goidigoo”

He pauses, then repeats slurred by his full mouth:

“Goidigoo” – and latches back straight away.

And I can feel the smile on his little face.

I repeat and fill the room and the darkness with a louder laugh. And we do this for awhile, being way too loud for any self respecting going to sleep team, but who cares.

And it went on. He was finished with his second go for milk and then chattered about. At some point was having fun plopping his head on the bed and giggling. He bonked my nose and then was kissing me. Then looked for my belly button and blew strawberries on my now cold tummy. He definitely likes to make people laugh, that little one.

And at some point I said its time to sleep. He came in closer and laid on his front. Then turned to me. Then after a few minutes turned to his back, plopped his little foot on my leg and fell asleep. Holding the tie of my pants.

Even though, I admit, some nights I wish he would just go down quickly, so I can do the things I have in my head. Other important things, you see. There are those nights. But overall I love our moments in the dark bedroom, just the  two of us, even when they go on for awhile on those few magical nights when we goof off or he is just not sleepy enough.

©Snaps & Blabs, 2010. | Permalink | 6 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Life with loved ones, Parenting Post tags: Dodman

Snaps & Blabs

I have boobs.

Mr.Blab has motorized vehicles – as a full proof kid pacifier.

“A! A! A!” vocalizes the little dude while daddy holds him and they check out the trucks, cars, buses, planes, helicopters or anything that can possibly pass in eye or ear range around our house.

“A! A! A! Voo! Voo! “

“Bus?”

“Aaaaah..” – the widely known sign for approval or agreement follows. Aaaah, like a relieved sigh for being understood. We love it. We repeat it often even ourselves. It has become part of our family vocabulary. Aaaah… Its not just a flat aaah, it is kind of musical in its pitch. Its almost two sounds – a high Aaa and a low aah. AAah.

So they stand there, at the front door, having some strange conversation of their own. Sometime Mr.Blab takes off into the front yard or chases the weird vehicles next street that are noisily laying the new road.

Mr.Blab also plays wonderfully the extended feet of the Dodman. He is like a mobile ladder for the kid. He requests to be picked up. Mr.Blab complies. Then he just points “A! A! A!” and Mr.Blab goes in the direction of the little finger. Often it will mean just going around the house and playing with the light switches. He loves them things. He might go and point at some food he is trying to reach. Or he just drives takes Mr.Blab outside and directs him to pick some fruits and points to his mouth “A! A! A!” (fill this space!).

That finger is a powerful weapon while a boy is riding his daddy.

In short, the boy has figured out that he can literally play his daddy with just one finger.

Shh..don’t tell anybody.

No. Not because its supposed to be demeaning to be a responsive father to ones children. But because its more fun that way.

Aaah.

©Snaps & Blabs, 2010. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Life with loved ones, Parenting Post tags: Dodman, Mr.Blab

Snaps & Blabs

“Lay your baby down in her crib. say goodnight and leave the room…
…Make your checks brief and any interaction minimal. Don’t touch, pick her up, or cuddle her – simply say, “Mommy/Daddy is here, go to sleep” and then leave, even if he is still crying.” [1. Supernanny.com]

______

Last night started as any night, nothing special or different. A few hours after going to sleep, Popcorn started to wake up. Woke up once, I went and fed him and that was all good. Woke up again, same deal. Usually he kind of sleepily cry/calls for me. But this time it sounded a bit more like actual crying. I was not sure. But then he woke up 5 minutes after the last one and sounded a bit distressed. Went in cuddles, boobie and he fell asleep again. I poke my finger in his nappy to see if there is a horrid poo or something causing him some discomfort. Nothing. Mr.Blab by this time was ready to go to bed and joined him.

Image by .Dianna.

Just as I started to brush my teeth, the little one woke up again. Crying. By now I am feeling a bit annoyed, as I am thinking “Cant I brush my teeth in peace”. So I hurry and decide its time to make some checks and see if we can figure out what is the problem.

Image by MarkyBon

Three of us walk to the changing table. Popcorn is whimpering and when we got him on it, he started crying again. I quickly undo the nappy and hope for something that will explain this. Nothing. Only the same few small red spots on both of his cheeks he has had for a few days.

Mr.Blab wets the wiping cloth and readies to clean the bum – we can see if it will bring a reaction from cutie little, by now wet faced, Popcorn.

Whaaaaaa!

Image by sean dreilinger

There sure was. The few red spots were definitely causing him pain. I have a really close look and see some tiny white bits and realize that its thrush and it most likely really enjoyed the lansinoh cream I put on before bed (to protect the skin!) and went to town growing. And became the cause of some serious ouchy bum.

I dig out the anti-fungal cream and create a concoction on his bottom with some cotton balls and kitchen wrap to protect the area from moisture. Get him ready and pick my sulking baby up. His head rests on my shoulder and I can feel the relief. Why did I even question him. Even for a second…

We cuddle and walk slowly around the house to turn off things and head to bed.

We snuggle under the covers, where Mr.Blab is waiting for us. Quickly, with a touch of guilt, but mostly with heavy heart of a mom with a child in pain, I offer a breast that is swiftly accepted and sends my little man to sleep.

In peace till the morning.

Image by _Nezemnaya_

What if we were a family that followed the approach of Crying it Out?

How would have the night been for my child?

Silence.

True, some say you only leave the child to cry alone after you make sure they are fed, clean and not too hot or cold. Some even add a – not in pain – clause. But how can one be sure of that last one? Not all pain can be visually traced to a cause. And when one adds in all the physical discomforts a person can have, the possibilities become so vast, its stupidity to think that you can judge that correctly from the outside with someone that cannot even explain a thing.

But they CAN communicate. And they do.

Image by Jon Bradley

“Ensure you’ve done a check list like this – she’ll not hungry,she’s not in pain (Teeth), she hasn’t wet through or dirty, she’s not too hot or cold. If you have checked all these things relax, she just wants someone with her.” [2. Essentialbaby.com forum discussion]

Since when have emotional needs like desire for love, affection, closeness, warmth, company and avoidance of isolation become unreasonable and too much to ask for. Not from just anybody – from our parents?

Crying by babies and children is a clear sign that something is wrong.

Would we be so quick to ignore if it went on something like that:

“Maaamaaa, please, hug me”

“Daadeee..I am scared. Protect me”

“Please somebody, its lonely here, its dark…Mammy…Daddy…it hurts”

“Oh, nooo…I was left…this is not right…help me…love me…this doesnt feel right..”

Image by Michael Headrick

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

.

_____________________________________________

Note: the images are from Flickr and since what I am talking about to me is cruelty against children, I feel its important to stress that they are not connected in any way to the topic I am discussing as far as I know. I just used them for illustrative purposes.

©Snaps & Blabs, 2010. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Parenting, Thoughts Post tags: cio, parenting

Snaps & Blabs

I am trying to chose mine. I am trying to be thoughtful about it.

Its somewhat hard. The more I think about it and dig around, the more I realize how much unsavory automatic responses I have. Still, I think I have managed to escape a lot of the things I didnt like from my own mother’s artillery of pedagogy. She is never wrong. She is great – always. Things that happen to me always have a greater effect on her and I am always reminded of that. Most recently, when I chopped off the nerve in my finger, I had to not only listen to how this is so upsetting to her, but try to console her. It was MY finger that got mangled. It was ME who had surgery. Something is wrong with this picture.  Generally we have butted heads a lot, mostly because my life is unsatisfactory for her. Yet, she has always verbalized to me how I can tell her anything. Dont we all say that? But when our actions and responses to honesty are judgment, annoyance and lectures should we be  surprised that the line of communication will dry out? I think not.

So, I think I have escaped the big holes, but I still have a way to go to improve and become the parent I wish to be. Recently I read a book and watched a lecture that have been wonderfully thought provoking and spoke to me. Really gave me lots to ponder and look at this from a few different angles.

The lecture was from Alfie Kohn. The DVD is called “Unconditional Parenting” and he also has a book with this title. The basic gist of it is that we want too much control over our children. More control than reasonably expected. This over controlling and disrespectful parenting makes for some meek or aggressive self centered children.

Start with this video, unfortunately its no available for embedding – Youtube video

Punishment/Time out as a way of controlling children’ behavior:

Positive reinforcement is a different form of control. It simply tries to control with dangling carrots.

The DVD is wonderful and we watched it in one go, even though I thought we might spread it over a few nights – its 2 hours.

.

The book was “Raising our children, raising ourselves” by Naomi Aldort. It is less approachable than Alfie’s work. I would say a lot of the examples she gives are too simplified and unbelievable, but as a whole it was a good start for some interesting discussions with Mr.Blab. We both found it useful as a way to expose our own short comings.

Here are two of her videos and a few possible solutions and approaches. The first one is wonderful and an easy step to start from:

I will leave you with a point that Alfie Kohn made in the lecture that was so simple and clear it will stay with me forever, I hope. It went something like this:

We want our children to grow up to be

happy / confident / capable / independent / successful / [insert your hopes].

Now think of the way we deal with them when we are rushing out the door in the morning, or trying to get them to do something, or when they make a mistake or have an accident. Do we treat them in a way that ensures and nurtures them to become the above mentioned people?

He said it better, so do get his DVD if any of this speaks to you. I highly recommend it.

©Snaps & Blabs, 2010. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Parenting, Thoughts Post tags: kids, parenting

Snaps & Blabs

Oh…the kids room.

Sigh.

Shudder.

There was a time when I thought (hahaha) that the room that the kids call their own could be tidy. That it could be possible to walk through it without risk of injury or stepping on some old forsaken fruit. I demanded action. I demanded some assistance. I got upset when opposite me I was met with resistance – with blank hurt stares that would just move limp limbs pretending to be doing all this ‘important’ work.

Then I realized my selfish ways. Then I imagined if some person I was depending on would come and demand I keep my place the way they deem acceptable. I didnt like it. Not one bit. And life has been much better. No. The said room is not tidy, far from it. But we dont spend afternoons sulking at each other and the kids do have some ownership of their room right now. And they do have little sprees here and there when they improve it or work on it.

Then the other day they wanted to have the bunk beds set up, which required us to enter and disturb the established flora and fauna. And then Mr.Blab and I couldnt help it, we just had to clean it up a bit. It took us an afternoon and part of the next morning to finish up. I was impressed, they had managed to reach a sophisticated level of chaos. Sophisticated, because it was not just stuff thrown around, but carefully positioned out of its place – be it under the beds, or on ledges, or behind other piles of unknown stuff. It was an unknown system of organization only revealing itself to the little ones.

We cleaned it all up.

Worst discovery: a half eaten pear dated Way Too Old.

They like it of course. Miss Fab is walking around and trying to keep everything in place. Little B is less impressed, but she responds to her sister’s requests to pick up. It will not last long, we all know that. But its their room, not ours, and they can have their own rules there.

When we cant stand it anymore, we will commando run in and make it livable again.

Now I have a new craft project – to make some big pillows for the comfy floor reading area we created.

They will be able to hide a bunch of pears under there too,  if the need arises …

©Snaps & Blabs, 2010. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Life with loved ones, Parenting Post tags: house, kids, tidying

Snaps & Blabs

We are social beings, we are meant to be part of a group, to share and feel loved and comfortable in our surroundings. Its a basic need, I am sure most would agree. Then why do we treat children like some unwelcomed foreigners?

Put yourself in the shoes of a child in our current environment. They just dont belong. Most everything about them is considered annoying and frowned upon. They are curious and want to touch things and explore, which is met with “Stop touching this! Put that down! Oooooh…now your shirt is dirty!”. They are full of energy and love to jump and run and climb, which is met with “Stop running! No climbing! You WILL fall off of there! You WILL break your head! STOP it!”. If they havent lost the desire yet, they need hugs and comfort and touch, which is met with “Not now, I need to do this first. You are a big gir/boy now, you dont need hugs for bed. You are not a baby, right!” or are just left to cry in their room to sleep. They are earning for knowledge and experiences, but their questions are met with “Because! What kind of question is that! Why this, why that…I dont know! Stop bugging me. Because I said so. The storks bring them in. Ask your dad”.

If they go to a restaurant they are expected to behave like grown ups or sent to a different section, so they wont disturb the place. Going to movies with small child? Forget it. The looks and words will be deadly. Taking your child to work? Hahahaha. If the boss doesnt stab your little toe, your colleagues will at the first obvious sign that that little person you brought in is in fact a … child!

How about in the home, with their closest family?

Having your life back to “normal” after having children means living with them as though they are not there.  It is in fact a very desirable state of being. Its something to be proud of. Look! I had a baby few hours ago and I am out partying as though it never happen! Yooohooo!
“Is he good for you?” is a common question towards a new mom. “Good” baby is one that – does not demand attention, doesnt want to be held, sleeps all night and leaves the parent to do their thing… it is in an essence a baby behaving like it isnt there.
But children are people too. This is their world too. They want attention, they want love, they want to participate, they want to be heard, they want to be accepted… but mostly they want to belong. All the traits we find annoying and think we have to stomp over are there to ensure that they get what they need from their time in the slow lane.

Childhood is meant to be a time of learning the ropes. Time when mistakes are expected, because they are the way to  polish one’s skills. Time when emotional or physical scars are easier to overcome. A stepping stone to full blown adulthood. When we exclude children from the real world all together on some unconsious level they know something is wrong. Something is not the way its supposed to be. And they fight.  At which point we wonder what the hell is wrong with them, again! Those pesky little annoying, demanding children. And thank goodness for that. If babies dont cry, they will be moved from chair to floor to bed with little attention more than few smiles here and there. If they never the less become bright normal children, but are just quiet and follow directions to be invisible and cute, and not run, climb, discover, touch, feel, make mess, ask questions, demand attention etc. etc. then they will definitely not develop. If they are everything we demand of them, they will never BE.

We think we are so good to them, providing them palaces with plastic walls and piles of toys and fancy bed sheets, playing a few games here and there with them, buying them ice cream and lollies. But in reality they are just glorified inmates, expected to do what they are told whenever they are told. Go wherever we need them to go. Listen to everyone we want them to and not those that we dont want them to. They are supposed to not question or demand anything. They are just the barrier to our “normal” lives afterall  and we will treat them accordingly. Because they simply do not belong.

_

We afford our own kids less courtesy than we would a stranger. Really.

©Snaps & Blabs, 2009. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Life with loved ones, Parenting, Thoughts Post tags:

Snaps & Blabs